- "Deceptively spacious": pokey and insubstantial
- "A wealth of period features": pokey and shabby; may have glued-on exposed beams, purchased from B&Q
- "Needs some updating": the whole place is a wreck and may even smell
- "Internal viewing highly recommended": it's not quite the dump it appears from the outside
- "Sought-after location": by the police
- "Cozy": vanishingly small
- "Manageable garden": a minute patch of grass with a couple of hanging baskets
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